Tomorrow I finally get to see my endo. This city has few endocrinologists, but I grew up seeing this doctor as my pediatric endocrinologist and he knows both me and my history, so it makes sense that I see him now. It’s a good start…er, restart…at least. As it stands now, I am his oldest patient (at 31). I wonder sometimes if it would be awkward to talk with him about my adult life and living with Type 1 diabetes while sitting on a firetruck examination table.

Anyway, moving on…

It has been a year since I’ve been to my endo. Maybe I didn’t go mid-year because I’ve been busy with work. Maybe I didn’t go because every time I thought about it I was out of town. Or I can be practical and say that maybe I put it off because my insulin and supply prescriptions didn’t need to be refilled until now anyway. Truthfully, it is probably because I have to live with diabetes every single day and just don’t want to deal with all of the hubbub and aggravation that comes with doctor appointments anymore than absolutely necessary (endo appointments, ophthalmologist appointments, PCP appointments, scheduling lab work, the dentist, etc…all of which I’m due for). Procrastination at its best!

It is hard for me to get my many experiences with hostile doctors out of my head when I have to find a new one and schedule appointments. You know the type. They tell you how you aren’t taking care of yourself, that you aren’t doing this or that right, shame on you for not doing what they told you to do last time, how they have other patients just like you who are in bad health (which I don’t get how that makes them “just like me”…but whatevs), and pretty much just make you feel like you are wasting their time and you’re a complete slacker when it comes to taking care of yourself. Too much gloom and doom, and I despise being blamed for having diabetes, as if it’s my fault and I caused this.

Fortunately, not every doctor is like this. Hopefully, not even the majority of them are like this. I know when I lived in south Florida, I loved my endo there. She was great, on top of things, and I could actually call her with questions (what a concept!). I hope I can have that sort of relationship with my old endo here in north Florida as an adult.

Living with diabetes is a rollercoaster. I can exercise every single day, count every single thing that goes in my mouth, check my blood sugar a dozen times a day, and still be challenged by the unpredictability of diabetes. I need a health team that gets that, not one that holds it against me and makes me feel like a failure. When it comes down to it, I probably know as much or more about living with diabetes as they do. I’ve yet to find a doctor who actually has diabetes themselves. I need to know about the science of managing diabetes, and the technology and treatments available that can improve my quality of life. I need a doctor and/or CDE who will listen to me, be patient, talk with me, help me understand, write my prescriptions, be compassionate, and give me their outside-looking-in viewpoint. I’m hard enough on myself, I don’t need someone else to do that for me.

I know me. Tomorrow morning I’ll be nervous, my heart rate will be elevated, and my blood pressure will be up. It doesn’t matter if I’ve seen the doctor 100 times, it is always difficult for me to find that comfort zone that allows me to just chill the heck out. So tonight I will get ready for my appointment, and follow some of the suggestions that my friend Mike (@mydiabeticheart) shared recently about preparing for a doctor visit. I’ll make sure I have my meter, my pump (as if I can forget that!), and my prescriptions that need to be refilled. I’ll write down my list of questions, especially considering that I need a new pump and I am very interested to find out if my endo has had any success in getting insurance companies to approve coverage of CGM. I’ll ask about the numbness in my hand, and if that is more likely to be from working on a computer all day or diabetes. I’ll also find out what my A1C is tomorrow, aka “the diabetic’s report card”, and determine whether I deserve to pat myself on the back, or if I should go to confession (like @txtngmypancreas).