I like reading about the experiences my friends in the DOC have when they go to their diabetes doctor appointments. Good experiences or bad, it teaches me a lot about what I want and need from my own endo, and things I should be thinking about.
For example, it’s no secret that diabetes and heart disease are BFF’s. Observing the thoughts and conversations that are shared in the DOC about statins, ACE inhibitors, blood pressure, cholesterol, and the effects on the heart of sticking your finger in electrical sockets makes me realize that I don’t give this component of my life with diabetes near enough attention.
At my endo appointment last Friday, we talked about some of these things. No mention was made about my weight, but I know that I want to be lighter than I am. I’ve lost 7 pounds thus far with the switch to a low-carb lifestyle, and am making satisfactory progress toward my goals, so I have to take things one step at a time on that front.
My blood pressure was normal, so that was good. I’m not one of those folks that shoves an arm in the free cuff & fluff machines at the store, EVER, so if the endo says I’m good and it isn’t an issue right now, I’m taking that and rolling with it. He did order a full lab workup for my next visit, which should add all kinds of interesting new data points to talk about.
The results of the BIG test on Friday, that almighty diabetes report card mother of all tests, the A1C, took the wind out of my sails. I set a goal at the beginning of this year to get my A1C down to 6.2 or better. On Friday, my A1C was 5.6. I have never had an A1C in the 5’s before, so I should be celebrating that, and throwing myself a party. Instead, I feel like a failure.
Diabetes is a candle burning at both ends. You can monitor your BG’s closely, and stay as close to on top of everything as possible, but often when you focus too hard on one problem (too many highs) and fix that, you end up with another problem (too many lows). Diabetes doesn’t give very much room for error, and that frustrates me. Maintaining perfect blood sugar control is like trying to balance on a tight rope, hanging over a cliff, while juggling bowling pins and riding a unicycle. It’s possible, but good grief it requires a lot of attention!
I want to celebrate a 5.6 A1C. I want to upload my pump & BG data to my endo’s computer and see on the screen that I am an all-star diabetic, with nearly flat data charts with very few low or high BG’s. I want to EARN that 5.X A1C, and that is where I feel like I have failed. I did not earn my 5.6 on my terms. I have managed to keep from having very many high BG’s, but in turn I have had way too many lows, some dangerously low, and it leaves me screaming at my diabetes, “I just cannot win with you!” Then I throw a pot and pan at it, tell it to get out of my sight, and pour myself a big glass of Diet Coke and have a good cry while watching an ASPCA commercial. Don’t judge, you know you tear up too every time you see one of those commercials and those poor animals that need loving and adopting.
Friday was a bad day, but it progressively got better the more I digested that 5.6 A1C. It could be so much worse. That 5.6 could have come with severe low side effects, including occurrences of unconsciousness, seizures, ambulance trips to the Emergency Room, car accidents, or the inability to shut up while talking nonsense in front of a crowd of people. It could have resulted in the embarrassment of a low while at work and my coworkers having to help me. It could have included feelings of shame and inadequacy because I needed someone in a way that I can never repay.
My endo and I talked about what I have to treat a low. I have not had a Glucagon pen in…well, maybe not since I lived at home with my parents. That was 13 years ago. It wasn’t until this last year that I even kept a stock of glucose tabs. It’s really a wonder how I survived so many years without them. I did keep glucose gel, so I guess that is worth something, and keeps me from being a total bad diabetic. Now, however, I have an “Emergency Low Kit” so that I have as many weapons in my arsenal as possible to combat diabetes.
I have settled on the fact that it is 100% okay for me to be frustrated with diabetes and an A1C of 5.6 that I don’t feel I earned by being an all-star diabetic. I have settled on the fact that I am going to be working closer with my CDE to adjust my basal rates so that I don’t have so many lows, and still avoid those highs as well. I have settled on the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect diabetic, but striving to be one may very well have played a part in keeping me alive and healthy all these years, and I don’t intend to stop now. I have settled on the fact that there are side effects to diabetes that I absolutely can control, and some that I cannot do a damn thing about.
Diabetes had just better get settled with the fact that I’m not going anywhere, and there is a good possibility that I am more stubborn than it could ever dream of being.
Yeah, I haven’t had a glucagon in like, forever. Was stuck low a lot today, actually, and thinking I should get on that.
Sorry this a1c didn’t bring the joy you were hoping for. Love the language you used to describe trying to manage D–great mental picture! It is effin’ hard. Highs suck. Lows suck. Trying to stay in the middle is exhausting!
But you care. And you’re trying. That counts for a lot in my book, no matter the a1c!